A Living Magazine - Day 126 - For Art's Sake

It was a comfortably cold night--easy to stay asleep. My mind still swam in the warm water dreams that receded more slowly than I was used to. 

I didn't look forward to being hungry again, but I have learned to accept it. There are a few things that are good about not eating. For one, there is no need to use a sit down toilet the next day. Also, when I can eat again, I don't eat as much. I have a growing eating disorder (I guess you'd call it?) that makes me want to buy more than I need to eat, whenever I can buy food. Having very little money to spend puts a brake on this issue. But I noticed when I was working late at night at Allyson's I was continually tempted to go to the fridge and grab another snack; to look through the cupboards for food that I might want later; to keep an inventory in my mind about what is left in the kitchen, from moment to moment.

I AM able to control myself, but I obsess on food--timing things in just a way to be able to secure enough. When I'm on the street and get a contribution, I fight back my urge to constantly buy more to stuff it in my pack for later, hiding it in places that I usually don't look into. There is no dopamine rush comparable to being very hungry and finding a squished Snickers bar, or package of cheese and crackers. It is pathetic. It makes me angry at myself. I completely understand now why people who starve for periods of time can do nothing but think of food.

The "disorder" part of this is not overeating, but overthinking about eating. I do much of what I do in order to distract myself from my stomach. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you MUST starve, than you MUST fill the space in your stomach with the activities in your life. If I am ever able to be in the comfort of my little dream-cottage someday, I will have to deal with this issue, so that I don't overeat, but also don't undereat. The mind-fuck about having food issues is that, unlike cigarettes, alcohol or other habits that can come with ease and go away again with enough effort, we MUST eat in order to live. 

The monster in the lives of people with eating disorders can be chained, but it snarls and waits at the very tip of that chain always looking at us. I does make one wonder what kind of monster lurks in the experience of the one billion other people who NEVER get enough to eat. The thought makes me shutter. It must be like living in a continuous state of heroin withdrawal--maybe worse.

I packed up and walked directly to the library, but realized that it wasn't open until 1:00 pm. I desperately wanted to check my balance for any amount that might have been contributed through PayPal. So, I continued on down to Starbucks and stood outside with my laptop in my hands, trying to pick up the signal. My computer does not like to jump to the splash pages (pages where you accept the terms and get online) of hotspots. I was "Connected" but my browser kept saying pages weren't available. I was getting irritable again--a frame of mind that I seemed to be stuck in for the last few days. It wasn't just the hunger. It was my slipping readership and the frustration I felt by not being able to reach people in a way that connected with their interests. I literally live by getting attention, and now I was losing that attention.

Suddenly, the Hilton's conference room Wi-fi splashed on. It was the high speed signal I'd been using instead of Starbucks' each time I bought a coffee there. Phew! I said, "Please, please, please..." out loud as I clicked the "Accept" button. I went immediately to my card's site, where I could both see my balance and transfer the money - should there be any - directly from PayPal to the card. Unfortunately, I can not see who donated. It took a long time for the account page to come up. When it did, I saw "$23.80" available after the fee. I just about passed out. Someone had donated $25.00! I immediately transferred the funds and went in to get a coffee.

I was temporarily elated to know that I would be able to eat on this day. This time, I said to myself, I will make it last three days! (That's what I always say, by the way.) That meant one $7.00 meal per day, oops, minus the $2.36 I just spent on coffee. It was worth getting the coffee though, because it abated my hunger. Eating later in the day kept me from feeling hungry at night. Despite the negative tone of my post the day before, I thought it was some of my best writing. I reread it again, and it fired me up. It seemed I was born to rant. So be it.

I worked at Starbucks until they closed at 2:00 pm. Then, I headed to Subway and bought chips and a sandwich--ha, ha--a GOOD one this time: $5.15. Right in line with the budget. I had them put every vegetable in the place on that damn thing, and I enjoyed it immensely. 

I'd met a guy named Chris (the manager, I think?), working behind the counter a few days before and he was working there again. Great guy. Super-friendly, asks each person what they are doing that day and genuinely engages them as he goes about his job. I'd given him a card and still hope he drops in here. Unlike the Dunkin Donuts at the other end of town, this place was clean, even had a gas fireplace and couches. And, the rough element doesn't come in and control the business through intimidation.

I finally got to the library and finished up my post fifteen minutes before closing. It had a rant element too, but was more focused--I thought, anyway. Writing out of the way, I still had about an hour of daylight left. I took these shots of the very beautiful and extraordinarily ornate marble lobby of the library as I walked out...

Along the way, I happened to reach the hydraulic bridge just as a tour boat was going through. It was amazing that those relatively thin lifts could raise that much weight. Traffic waited impatiently, but I enjoyed every moment; like a child who was seeing something like that for the very first time...

I'd heard about the new Discovery Center and Art Museum at the other end of Wisconsin Avenue from Chris, and now with the energy to explore again, I headed out there, not really intending to take pictures. I expected there to be an admission price for the museum, but would be pleasantly surprised. I took some shots along the way, starting with the USBank Building...

As I looked up at the empty ivory-colored tower one thought permeated my mind...

There is plenty of money for everyone, but not "enough" to share...

This side of Wisconsin Avenue was grand indeed. In fact, here they call it "Grand Avenue"...

When I got to the end of the street, I saw a great "sail" or pair of "wings" as if a ship from the future had sailed in skimming along somewhere between the surface of Lake Michigan and the blue sky above and then docked, ready to reveal all that was coming...

Except for a few captions, I am now going to simply let you enjoy the following pictures of that area, without blabbing about every one. Art for art's sake. You can see it as I did, in the order in which I investigated it. Enjoy...

For Frank--Lovers.

Man! the most elaborate bong ever made. Kidding, of course.

Two suns in the sunset.

I like this shot. Had to kneel down to take it.

These little crabapple trees were only about four feet tall.

I call the next three pictures--TEXTING...

I see geese every day and hear them at night, flying south. I'll be following you soon...

For Jeff--I see a 7.

Empty...Symbol of the future?

Even a short man can cast a long shadow--perhaps?

For my niece Helen, who, when she was a tiny little girl,

sang a Selena Gomez song at my old apartment in Gorham.

A robin who sang his evening song to me.

* * * * * * *

Filthy Rich Rant Part 1

(Don't worry, it's a short one...)

It was an amazing experience to see such beauty. I nearly wept before its grandeur. I know I've knocked Milwaukee for its gray skies and poverty, but it DOES have some of the most beautiful architecture I have yet seen in a city.

It is both fascinating and disturbing that a species who can build with such profound and breathtaking majesty, can also starve a seventh of its population every single day. We build up things with one hand and destroy lives with the other, in order to maintain those things. We are thing-fetishists. We pour ourselves into our voluntary slavery just to hand bags full of our family's money to bosses and rulers. We do this for our entire lifetimes--pretending to like it; to earn money for a fictitious goal and an imaginary chunk of "meaning".

And - like child abusers - we then tell our kids they need to do the same thing, and then advise them to pass on this abuse to their own kids. We sell away their futures, pave over their green fields, gardens, and forests, light their rivers on fire, stamp out their creativity, and kill their natural desire to love each other. We value our stuff, while we throw each other away.

As a planetary culture, we have constructed the largest pyramid ever. It is built out of the stone of millions of frozen souls, beaten together and then compressed with their own dead bones. It is one so astonishingly immense, that even as it is crumbling at the base - crushing and grinding the huge majority of humanity at the bottom - through the brainwashing of ideologies, institutional religions, industrial scientism, and poison-laden self-deception, the very tip enjoys a continuous garden party, while we all spit-shine their shoes for them. We ask how far we should bend over while they mount us from behind.

That this doesn't disturb you every moment of every day, says much about just how complacent we all are. But, if you ever remember anything that I say, hear this: WE HAVE THE POWER TO TURN THE PYRAMID UPSIDE DOWN. It isn't violent revolution that will do it. But it also isn't peaceful non-resisting protests either. The power can only be reached by taking control over our own minds!

When I say, "Think for yourself!" I don't mean it as a catchy slogan. When I say, "Leave the game!" I don't mean it as an ideal to aspire to. I mean it literally and believe it should be done as soon as possible. It should have actually been done yesterday.

Do you stop going to work? No! Do you stop paying taxes? No! Instead, stop buying STUFF for no reason. Instead, give the money you have saved by that action to your friends and family members who have potential but have been beaten so hard by the game that they no longer believe in themselves. In a world where money is valued more that all life--human or not, GIVE INSTEAD OF BUY with it. It's so ridiculously simple!

You'll save more, simplify your existence, and have a familial resource (all of your friends and family) whenever YOU might fall on hard times or are suffering, yourself. Simply transfer your wealth away from this incessant need to accumulate salad shooters, plastic totes, more ostentatiously expensive cars than your neighbors, jet skis and boats you never use, or exist only to be seen with Sak's bags in your hand as you stroll down all those Fifth Avenues, etc.

But, like, OMG!, how will Wal-Mart continue to over-employ millions of us for crummy paychecks? Won't the entire economy collapse if the fat cats aren't chewing on YOUR fat in order to also enslave you in meaningless and unfulfilling jobs? No! Why?

Ha, ha!! Stay tuned folks...

* * * * * * *

I was exhausted and headed back into town, toward my sleeping place...

A look back... Notice that the winged sails of the museum had closed when the sun set.

The ship from the future sat peacefully, moored in a still harbor, just as the moon rose...

These bikes are displayed all the way up and down, Wisconsin Avenue. A neat idea...

I passed this poster each day around town and thought it looked a bit like my friend,

Karyn. Of course, Karyn is more beautiful... Just something about it.

Portland, Maine--take note. These are springing up all over the cities of the West and Midwest.

When I got back to the sleep spot, I noticed that there was a trail that was much more private, with and entrance that was not under a security camera. A look at the domes, from it...

You may think this is strange, but I found a bucket and was thrilled to finally have a seat!...

Small contrast, to the USBank Plaza?

A lay in my little tent and thought much, before falling asleep. Knowing I would be able to eat the next day made me feel confident that I might also be able to do more exploring. But, a twinge of anxiety hit me when I thought about the bus ticket I was not able to afford, not to mention how I would eat the rest of the week, no matter where I was. But, like I said a few days ago, I take my disappointments one minute at a time. For this minute? I was content.