God - Within and Without - Part 1

I was taken out for lunch by a dear childhood friend this week. Thai food--my favorite! It was so nice to see her again. She is the type of person - and we have been so close in the past - that throughout the years, every time I see her it is like we just seem to start from where we left off.

We had a very thought-provoking discussion. And we went right into it immediately. I found her so easy to talk to still and her interest in deeper subjects was just as refreshing as it had always been. I'm not much for small talk. It bores me. I can do it, but it usually doesn't take long for me to get a little impatient and begin steering the conversation toward more substantial areas of interest.  Thankfully there was none of that with this friend.

She had been a strong supporter of mine during my Odyssey. In fact, in the last few days of that strange adventure, I had become pretty depressed and, with no prompting on my part, she seemed to pick up on it.

There was one very dark moment... I stood at the edge of a literal and figurative bridge. I looked down. Then I looked out into the horizon... Ships were heading out of Portland Harbor, people were down on the beach drinking and laughing and the sky was so beautiful--there at the end...of the day.

My heart seemed to long for the waves, the empty solution, the ease of the fall. And I wept, openly and without embarrassment. It had to come out. The pressure valves I usually rely on were not functioning--so tears did the job instead. I asked, in my mind, "What am I doing all this for? I'm simply a drag on the world. Things would be easier for everyone if I was not here.  What right do I have to bring attention to my foolish plight, when so many other - better - people than myself suffer immeasurably more than I?" For a moment I sat and listened to the white noise within myself. Straining to hear even the smallest whisper there. Then I said, "Father, I'm not a sign seeker, but I could really use one right now." I turned away. I had not come this far just to fall...apart. I wiped my face and walked on and over to the other side of evening.

I hadn't checked my email for about six hours, so I stopped at McDonald's for its WiFi access, spending the rest of my bottle money on a soda and cracked open the laptop. There in my Gmail Inbox were three messages from this friend. I hadn't heard from her for a little while and thought it odd that she would send so many messages, especially on that night. She asked where I was and offered to come pick me up.  Why would she write that?  I wrote back that I was OK, but just had walked through a pretty rough spot... But how the hell did she "know"? Perhaps in desperation, or perhaps because I was actually discerning the answer to my request for a sign... I accepted her intuition and communication as one. She said later that she just had a "feeling."

This is where the interesting part begins.

At our lunch a couple weeks later, after I had accepted the offer of renting a room from another good friend, moved in, and was reunited with my cat, our talk came to a concern of hers that she was generous enough to express. It wasn't about the time on the bridge, but about some of the subject matter of this blog.

She gave a lot praise for most of my posting, but then hesitated for a moment. "The only thing," she intimated, "...is that when you start talking about God and religion, you lose me."

When I asked why, she said, "Because I don't believe in god." This REALLY surprised me. And you may see why in a moment. I had tried, except for a couple of very clear examples, not to post about my spiritual beliefs and views here in Iwallk-Land. The few that did slip through were of a mostly personal nature. They related to my inner life, and because the blog really is just a glorified journal, I thought it appropriate to apply what was happening in my soul as well as my outer life.

This may have been an error on my part, since many folks were probably turned off by my commentary on such intimate spiritual details. I had very intentionally not "gone there" for that very reason. My intentions for keeping this personal narrative free of "religion" (whatever that means) was a major priority. The blog is really meant to document my hopeful transition from a life of sheltered comfort, to the street of opposites, and then my transition into a new life. It was meant to also be a philosophical commentary on society and why I wanted out of the status quo. I did find, however, that at certain times, and maybe for future historical interest, I felt the strong need to express my higher beliefs. It was cathartic at the time, and allowed me to share just how much comfort and guidance I receive from "the still small Voice" inside my soul. Yet, I'm sure that it also alienated some of my readers.

This comment from my friend confirmed that concern as being valid. And the reason why it struck me so powerfully when she mentioned her discomfiture with the subject is that, in my ignorance, I had always assumed that she must have a strong "faith," herself. How else she could she have been such an obviously caring, loving and supportive friend to me, brilliant wife to her husband, nurturing mother to her girls and socially outstanding member of society in general? Without believing in God?

It just didn't make sense to me, as a person who never even questioned the existence of a Prime Mover. My frequent period of lost faith have always been a deficit of my belief in myself. I've never blamed God for my own shortcomings, my own many failures, the presence of evil in the world, nor the hardships and suffering of so many people whom I've loved so dearly.

I've always known that the universe was one of opportunity; that to have made the spheres of time and space each a Paradise of bliss and perfection would have defeated the divine Purpose. The Plan was for creatures TO struggle and claw their way through their lives--gaining experience (something an already eternally perfect being craves); perfecting themselves through their own efforts and painful trials. It was to offer a CHOICE. Free will would be an illusion without the choice and power of the lowly human races to reject their Creators, even if it was their misjudgment about His purposes. I assumed that any being who could not perceive the many BLESSINGS bestowed to assist us, despite our dark and sometimes-terrible plights, must be a failure of that being on every moral level. But such is NOT the case.

On my long walk back home from this lunch I contemplated the apparent paradox. Maybe God isn't really needed as an acknowledged force in our world? Maybe the people who are so morally successful and just in their lives, without a need for recognizing the Creator of those lives, are just as valuable and necessary in God's universe (at least at this stage in history) as any holy man or woman? This was a new realization for me. If someone like my friend could do as much if not MORE good in the world and in her own life, without the need for a Reason than many of the self-described "believers" and openly pious women and men out there, what is the harm?

In a recent study, atheists/agnostics were shown to be the best educated about the religions of other people than any of the participants in those religions know about the others...

Most of science is a humanist/materialist endeavor. And look at how much of material reality it now is able to describe and predict. Stephen Hawking has recently asserted that he no longer believes that God would be necessary as a force in the creation and maintenance of the universe...

"Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the Universe exists, why we exist. It is not necessary to invoke God to set the Universe going."

The Grand Design, Stephen Hawking, Bantam Books, 2010

Social activism also is often based on non-religious concerns and atheist (sometimes called, "nontheists") are some of the most strident leaders in groups like Amnesty International. And in my study of the biographies of historically influential people, it often seems to be the atheists who have the easiest time dealing with the mortality of those around them, as well as their own inevitable and personal demise.  They tend to be better-educated and more socially involved with global issues than do their religious counterparts.

[Please see Part 2]