A Living Magazine - Tap Root: Days 290 to 292 - Goodbye Gato and Moving Forward

In quantum mechanics there is a phenomenon called, "entanglement." It happens when two particles are so adjusted as to be observed as absolutely connected. Although Einstein said that the speed of light is the fastest possible velocity for the transmission of information, this speed limit rule is  seemingly broken by entanglement. When one particle is altered and then measured, the other instantly changes to match. This change remains  instantaneous and simultaneous over any distance. In other words, you can put one part of the pair a billion light years away from the other, and it will still change itself instantly, if the other is changed.

My relationship with Gato was something like that. We bonded as if we were bound to live out our lives together, forever. But we were not so destined... 

Gato's Favorite Chair

On Monday, May 7th, I woke to Gato sleeping down near my feet. I was dreading this morning. When I sat up in bed, he lazily looked up at me with the squinting eyes that cat owners recognize as a smile, trying to wake up while the sleepiness was slow to leave his little brain. I had a few hours before having to bring him "home." So, I let him out to pee while I made coffee.

When the appointed hour arrived, I had the cat carrier on the couch, out of sight, but open. I walked out into the beautiful morning sunlight and called Gato. He arrived immediately from the small green pine trees at the edge of the yard, and trotted to me with that still-kitten-like gate. I reached down and picked him up. He was abnormally sweet, practically rolling over in my arms, going limp as if he were about to take a nap. I just stood there for a few minutes holding him. I felt sick.

While he was blissfully unaware, I slowly walked back into the cabin, around the corner of the couch, then suddenly brought him down to my hands, where I gently pushed him into the carrier and shut the door. I had done this once before when the neighbors wanted him back for a visit. Back then, I felt like I had betrayed his trust. But, this time, it was much worse. He crouched looking out at me through bars, and I stuck my finger in, as if this would make things better.

I picked up the carrier and brought it out to the truck, placing it on the passenger side, and then I got in the other side, speaking reassuringly to him the whole time. We made the short trip to my neighbors' house, where I brought the carrier up to their door and handed him over. I forgot to say good bye, because I just wanted to leave. And so, I did.

When I got out to my land, the tent was a mess. It had been partially collapsed by the extremely strong gusts of wind. I needed to take it all down and build a windbreaker out of my tarps and extra-long sticks. I did so and it worked exceedingly well. I was able to reassemble the tent by tying it's fasteners to nearby trees, and then rearranged all my stuff under the windbreaker-canopy. 

I had picked up 2 white metal shelves and 2 long banquet tables from a house downtown that was cleaning out their garage. A few days before, I had also found a (smaller-than) single mattress covered in vinyl, which I'd cleaned with clorox. Since I only had room for one shelf and one table under my new canopy, but lacked a cot to set the mattress on, I brought the second shelve into the tent, laying it down, and then placing the long table upon it's wide side. This made for a very solid, if makeshift, elevated bed, which I could then put the mattress on. It was a fantastic solution for both these items and gave me a temporary bed. Another nice aspect was that the shelf (now on its side) could store all the rest of my stuff inside it, which could then be covered with a nice blanket, hiding everything out of sight. Very cool!

Things were definitely coming together. In the later afternoon, I lit a fire to burn all the left over crap that was ruined or left useless after the winter...  

Buring is Superior to Trash Pickup

I thought a bit about Gato, but assumed he would be just fine. His owners were great cat lovers and would treat him well. 

I had everything pretty much set up and organized when I spent that first night back on the land. The next day, I still had the truck and was ready to return it, when I got a message from my neighbors that Gato had been let out (due to his whining and loud meowing) and ran off down the hill toward the cabin. They confirmed that he was there, but when they went to retrieve him,  he ran under the porch with every attempt. They asked me to help them gather up their cat.

I headed over and went down to find Gato doing his normal routine in the cabin yard. He came right over as if everything was as it had been. He didn't get what was going on. I walked back up to the main house and suggested that I take Gato to my land, since it was obvious that we had bonded. My neighbors reluctantly agreed. Frankly, I think they had enough on their plates with their other 2 cats anyway. That is why Gato was with me at the cabin for so long. This is where things began to get screwy.

I realized that if I were to stuff Gato into that cat carrier again and bring him out to my land, he might get royally confused and take off. Of course he would get lost, since my land is about a mile away from theirs. So, just to calm everything down a bit, I offered to stay one more night at the cabin with him and then bring him to my land in the morning. So, again, awkwardly, and in a cabin without food or my own bedding, I spent the night there. But, I couldn't sleep. I realized that I had no money at all, and couldn't even afford  to feed myself! I didn't want to be beholden to my neighbors for cat food indefinitely. I became very anxious about everything, and began to feel like I was having to take responsibility for a cat they could not take care of, but still refused to let me adopt in my own way. It was a bad night. I did not sleep (although Gato did). Gato had gotten what he wanted, so he thought (me, back again), but I could not adopt him, and my neighbors were relying on me too much for transitioning him back to them. I was angry, hurt, anxiety-ridden and depressed. I needed to be out of the situation, if he wasn't going to be my cat. It was the only way that they could once again bring him under their roof.

I will not go into the details of what happened in the morning, but my neighbors and I had a serious argument about all of this. I was trying to go away cleanly in order to make a smooth transfer of Gato, but they wouldn't plan rationally with me and didn't understand what would be needed to make things right. Eventually, as our voices rose and the anger grew, Gato began to meow. He was right in front of me, under the porch. I wanted to do anything besides be the bad guy who betrayed and abandoned my little friend,yet again. But my neighbors forced me to do just that. 

As if giving himself up for me, Gato bravely walked out and allowed me to pick him up. I handed him to my neighbors and they drove off with him. I walked back to my land with my sleeping bag, backpack, and water jug, swallowing the lump in my throat. Even now, my blood pressure rises thinking about how messy it all was. There are other aspects this, but I cannot write twenty pages about it. Please just let it suffice to say, my already-weakened heart was truly broken again. It seems to be what I am meant to feel in this world--pain and profound loss. I know it is some kind of lesson for a coming life, but I hate it, and I don't care what anyone thinks. I went straight to sleep on my new bed in the tent and didn't wake up until morning.

* * *

The orange sunrise pried my eyes open, as rays struck them through the tent screen. I had powerful dreams that receded from me as I tried to remember them. I couldn't. But, I felt better. It was time to move forward with my plans. The past few months needed to stay in the past. I needed to become strong again, and  working hard was the best way to do that. I puttered around the yard all day doing a million things, and my mood steadily elevated. What was out of my control needed to be left behind. All would work for the best outcome as long as I could stay focused. I was back in the beauty of my own reality. Here are some shots from that day...

My Celery Plant

One of My Wisest Purchases - a New Gas Stove

The Shelf Under the Wind-Breaker Canopy

A View Inside the Very Cozy Tent

I Cut and Aerated My Future Greenhouse Soil

The Fire Pit Area with Two New (Used) Chairs

My Water Station with a $5 Sink I picked Up at a Yard Sale

My New Water Barrel, Donated by My Neighbors

A Free 16 Foot Ladder, Found in Town

A Free Window from Another Nearby Neighbor

Like the old days (being, my time here last summer), I walked into town and picked up some chicken for $0.78--enough to last 2 days, then returned back and cooked it up as the sun set. Going to bed at 9:00 pm seemed too late somehow, and I practically passed out from exhaustion. But I awoke around 2:00 am and couldn't get back to sleep. Always on my mind is the anxiety of not knowing when I will have money again. As I've discussed in past, the late night silence of insomnia made my thoughts scream out from within me. It is at these dark hours that I focus on the negativities of my life. I can't help it. It has been this way since I was 13 years old. There was only $2.77 in my checking, $9.00 in my savings, PayPal was negative by $1.78 (they let you overdraw up to $5.00 without a fee), and my secured MasterCard was maxed out. I had no pending blog posts to promote and had left my regular presence at Facebook, making it all 10 times more difficult to remind folks that I was still out here and in need of help. And... Gato kept appearing in my head.

We, now entangled, could only see each other across the aether of common consciousness, resigned to our separation--both of us knowing there would be no reunion. Somehow - and I can't remember at what time - I must have drifted back to sleep. The orange sun woke me again, and I rose without thinking anything at all.

On this 292nd day, I spent most of the morning hooking up my solar power system. It was (and is) FAR superior to the ramshackle set-up of last summer. I'll do a more detailed view of the electronics and gear in a few days for more technically minded folks... 

The afternoon was spent working on my road. I pulled the deep muddy ruts closed, dumping in leaves and sticks and then stamped the whole length of it (1/4 mile!) down. Then I widened it by removing branches that stuck out. But the hardest thing of all was removing two very large rocks...

Much Better!

It was then time to head into town and buy some bread and cheese so that I could make sandwiches with the remainder of the chicken. This 7 mile walk was refreshing and I felt liberated--that is, as long as I ignored how trapped I was by having even less money now. I cooked up the last piece of chicken and made half of it into a sandwich, storing the other half within a container that bobbed up and down in the cold water at the bottom of my cooler, set for the next day's meal.

When night fell I lit a fire in the pit and sat for a long time watching the embers pop and the wet logs hiss. I had a kind of tunnel vision. Thoughts of Gato crept in, but I shewed them away. It was getting easier now. I didn't feel all that sad, but I felt a tear rn down my cheek, must have been the cool evening air...

The Spark seemed to wrestle around in my mind like wind under a black silk blanket, saying something like...

"All is about to become New. "