A Living Magazine - Day 58 - Assertive Contemplation

The worries of the day before were mercifully missing from my waking mind--at first. It was (and has been) so peaceful and beautiful to wake up among the tall straight Douglas firs, with the scent of roses wafting down over the hills. I thanked the Universe, through the Spark, that I could bear witness to the grandeur of another morning in this world. With all of my bitching and complaining, all the uncertainty, all of the struggles with emotional ups and downs, in some ways, I was the luckiest man on the planet. I don't know why I so frequently forget this. But don't we all? 

There was a lot of deep thinking to do. That was the mission on this day. Much time can be saved in the near future from simply taking the opportunity to contemplate what is going on and what might be coming down the pike.

I rose and got started...

Mount Hood - Predawn

The new day.

Entrance to my sleeping place. It is nicely deceptive. An optical illusion
creates the impression that the space between the bush at the left
and the tree leads straight off a cliff. Instead, a small path leads to my "bed".

Looks like my old Jeep.

Guy at Starbucks every morning.

I got to Starbucks and spent some change on a coffee. My regular order is a "tall" (12 oz.) coffee, with a cup of ice. I'm very sensitive to caffeine, so I sip it slowly. When it cools to about lukewarm I dump it over the partially melted ice, where it thins out and becomes a cold drink. If I'm there long enough, am not too wired, and can afford it, I will buy a refill ($0.50) and get more ice. It's a good deal at $2.39 for the whole thing.

I got the day's post up and needed something cheap to eat and sustain me for the day. The Dollar Tree was conveniently only one blog down Burnside. I went there and looked for the largest amount of protein I could find and something resembling vegetables. A large can of mackerel fit the bill, along with a big tomato juice... 

Lunch for $2.00 (no tax) - Dollar Tree. This was a big meal:
15 oz. of mackerel and 32 oz. of tomato juice; essentially protein and a salad.
I did not get hungry again for the whole rest of the day. 

I was in a city filled with parks, drinking fountains, public restrooms (if I dared) and relaxed laws about personal behavior. What better place to simply meditate and contemplate? I use walking for composing my posts here at the blog. I use sitting for working out ideas, plans and inner conflicts. Near Salmon Street Springs Fountain (the one highlighted in the previous post), I found a spot in the shade under a tree. It wasn't exactly a bodhi tree, but it served its purpose.

I'm not sure what it is, but animals (especially ones in need) tend to be attracted to me. You may recall my discovery of the deformed feet of pigeons in Sacramento? Well, as I sat there trying to find the inner sanctuary, a pigeon with a bad foot limped in my direction, zig-zagging and pecking at the ground, looking occasionally right at me and cocking its head. "Begging" (although that is a human description) is typical for pigeons. But this one just sat down and wanted to hang out. So we did, for a good three hours or so. Other birds came and went, as they do when they see one of their own so close to a human--thinking there must be food involved...

Pigeon that sat with me in the park for a long time.

When the others had flown, I remembered that I had some peanuts left from the day before and located, then crushed them, and gave him/her a little pile to eat. Naturally, it didn't take long for the others to realize they were missing the action. Still, this bird got a lot of eating done before they arrived.

Why do I talk about such small things? Why do I "waste" time on "throw-away" creatures? How boring to people! I will tell you why. I am drawn to people, animals and even plants that other people reject and, ehemmm, pigeon-hole as "useless." No matter how many times the ignorant adults in my childhood would verbally shit on these creatures and living things, I KNEW in my heart that they were wrong...dead wrong. As I grew older I discovered that prejudice occurred, not because the object of that negative bias was unworthy of respect, but because the people who discounted and even hated the ones they disparaged were spiritually immature and were projecting the insecurities about themselves onto others. This made them feel better. There is something cruel and unnatural about the human need to banish, separate, harm-for-fun, or kill anything that inconveniences them. 

The sad thing is that I had to teach myself this lesson. No parent, no mentor, no friend revealed this truth to me. Things are different today. Kids have a more sensitive and compassionate understanding of the natural world around them and of other people. I have seen enough "tough love" (read as: EASY HATE--it's true meaning) used against the inconvenient creatures of the world, to completely harden my heart against these bullies and ignorant assholes. And, all I can say is, you better not practice your tough love around me, or you WILL get an earful. I simply don't tolerate it at all. If someone uses the excuse "tough love" regarding their behavior toward you or any other creature, it means they are incapable of feeling REAL love. Furthermore, anything that seems like an attempt at love from these folks is an act. Being tough toward the suffering of others, rather than simply helping them is a disability that needs to be stamped out of the human race (in my humble opinion).

I sat like a ragged Buddha beneath my tree and visited many different concepts in my mind. The compassion for living creatures sprang from the bird beside me, as if it were placed there by an invisible Zen master to accomplish just that. This led me down a mental pathway toward the Buddhist concepts of making the elimination of suffering a top priority. Thoughtful people will understand this. 

The inevitable direction of my mediation was of course my own efforts to do what I am doing. The angel on one of my shoulders whispered that there was no more important task for me, while the devil on my other shoulder screamed that not only was it a waste of my life, but that it was a waste of time and support for those who are reading what would become these very words.

I wouldn't be doing this I didn't defer to the angel's attitude. But the devil screams SO loud, that it is often hard to concentrate on just about anything else. I've spent my life trying to quiet this din of self-hatred, discouragement and defeatism. Of course, it is all just me at war with myself. I knew this thought was integral to the potential solution of so many conflicts within myself. It was time to focus on just them, maybe one at a time.

What did it mean for me to sacrifice? The angel nature told me it was a gift, to be enjoyed. The devil-nature laughed loudly. The dark places were only there to push me back on to the treadmill of conventional living. I should get "my shit together" (as Livermore Steve had told me), go legit! Find a place where I could settle in and pick myself "up by my hiking bootstraps" and just play the fucking game, already! That was the real sacrifice I was apparently avoiding out of a selfish desire to make my own world, when a perfectly good one already existed for me to rejoin.

I mentally glanced back at the angel-nature to get its reaction. There was none. It would not fight to prove itself. And, while I'm not a quitter like the devil wanted to see, I am also not a social passivist either. When a situation is unjust, I practically always say something about it. My dissatisfaction with what - to me - are obviously serious socio-cultural errors, bordering on evil, has made me strong. 

Anger may indeed be "like a stone thrown into a hornets' nest", but there are times when righteous indignation is the only tool (or weapon?) left in the mojo bag. No peaceful soldier wins the battle when he sees his friends head blown off by being passive. Maybe that is a melodramatic example. But I guess I find the current human condition to be generally quite primitive still. It needs some positive soldiering.

I'm not the peacemaker that is needed. But she/he cannot begin that important work, without us FINDING the way to peace, first. Love may be all we need, but how we do love to hate! The tough-lovers, the easy-haters have ruled this world for millennia. Every single thing we think, everything we see and hear around us, is run through the limiting filter of our bully-heritage. There was originally good reason for this. The people who passively gave in, laid down, and avoided conflict are not the ancestors of humankind. They were wiped off the planet in ancient waves of war and genocide. Compassion was not on the minds of those who won the right to write history. And, we are the result.

There is nothing we can do about who we are; what we've become. We can, however, change what and who we WILL become. With this, I saw that the angel-nature could be the leader of my mind, while the devil-nature could be used as a no-nonsense tool of strength to defeat those who desire that things remain stagnant, static, unmoving and unfair. This would not be a prescription for anyone else. I understood what it meant for me, personally. I also recognized - to my satisfaction - that I was already following this self-prescription.

NOW, came the last step: How could I remember and be comforted by the thought that I was basically headed in the right direction, even when I was so often tempted to think I wasn't? Feeling disappointed was my Achilles heel. It had to be dealt with summarily. In the next few days I would make it a priority to find ways of believing in my project COMPLETELY. I have been so incredibly sensitive to what others say and think about what I'm doing. To destroy this sensitivity was the key I needed to unlock the hidden Reason behind my work. IF I could do this one thing--something even larger and more formidable than walking across the nation, sleeping outside, not eating regularly, keeping up with a seven day per week blog, then my work would become unstoppable.

As I folded up my tarp and said goodbye to the bird, I laughed to myself about how different all of this would be if I had the personality of some other folks I know. I know people who bounce out of bed in the morning and spend their entire day seeking out other people to be with. I prefer solitude. They would greet every person and seek out lasting friendships. If they were out here, having learned the skills I have, they would amass a HUGE cache of of names in their Facebook friend list. They would never even question the reason why they do it all, they would just do it! 

I have the intelligence, the education, the experience, even the wisdom for all that I do. If I were an highly ambitious "people person", a "salesman", a "type A person", I think that I would actually be dangerous. 

Perhaps it's a good thing that my characteristics are not mixed with those of a super-aggressive personality. My favorite philosopher, Popeye, said it best: "I am what I am." I don't want to change, but I do want to be SURE of more than I am sure of now about my own project. I guess we will see--all together. There is still a lot more tarnish to remove before this soul can be seen on the outside...

The slow walk back to the western hills was refreshing. I love the glimmering glass of the tall buildings, especially at the beginning or end of the day...

In this shot, the sun was twice reflected before arriving in my camera lens. Can you tell?

The electric industry is alive and well here. They have put the concepts into action...

Simpler than a gas pump, and you can actually do it yourself--no attendant necessary...

Swipe your card, charge your car, and be on your way.

How did I take this picture without a reflection of myself?

This guy was kicking butt with some really jazzy blues guitar

(drum machine and prerecorded back up--loud through that little amp).

I love this. Most people try to write their initials. This will last for a long time.

I got back to the rose garden and sat for a while, capping my thoughts from earlier in the day with a real request to the Spark for guidance and the fortitude necessary to work without questioning myself. 

For the hell of it, I imagined looking at that angel on my shoulder. She smiled and nodded. And, for heaven's sake! The devil on the other shoulder? Well..... He just flexed his muscles... 

Sleeping couldn't be much simpler.